Why people self-sabotage in relationships

What is self-sabotaging?

Self-sabotage is a pattern, or patterns of behaviour, which cause problems and hold you back from achieving goals in your life. The most common general self-sabotaging behaviours include laziness, procrastination, poor food choices, and excessive alcohol use – to name but a few!

However, when it comes to relationships, it is a very different scenario. To those on the outside looking in, a relationship may seem absolutely perfect. But not everything is always as it appears to be, as there may be issues churning under the surface which could do harm to your relationship. If you have unresolved emotional pain from a previous heartbreak, it may influence the way you view any current relationships.

How does self-sabotaging happen?

When you have had a romantic disappointment, it often results in low self-esteem, and you may bring that emotional pain into a new relationship. Deep down, you may subconsciously believe that you are not worthy of love, and may intentionally try and wreck what might be a happy relationship. Low self-esteem leads a person to have an embedded belief that a good relationship is not possible.

Some of the causes which may lead to relationship sabotage:

• Fear that you may once again face heartbreak and hurt if you commit fully to a new relationship, can cause you to niggle and nag which will result in friction in the relationship.
• You could be afraid of your thoughts, and perhaps accumulated some negative beliefs which have led you to doubt your capabilities of being in a successful relationship.
• The self-doubts can make you lash out at your partner for minor issues.
• If you hide your feelings, especially when something has upset you, the negative emotions will build up and grow worse. You may eventually have a hysterical outburst of resentment which could further estrange your relationship.

Self-sabotaging behaviours also extend beyond romantic relationships, but unfortunately, many people don’t realise they are self-defeating and actually inviting negativity. For example, when something doesn’t quite pan out, you may make a comment like: “I just knew it would not work out!”

This can apply to many things in life, including a relationship that has hit a rocky patch. Sometimes self-sabotaging can scupper your plans before they even get off the ground.

What to do if your partner is the self-saboteur

You may be secure in your relationship but feel at times that your partner is somewhat negative. Your partner might not be replying to texts, or maybe picking fights, not really listening to you when you speak, also not wanting to have any serious conversations (ghosting) and a high level of impatience.

If you are concerned about the behaviour, and perhaps try and address it in a calm, non-accusational manner, it may help to improve matters. However, if your efforts have been unsuccessful, and your partner is causing you emotional stress that could cause mental health issues, there can only be one solution for your own good. The issues may be signs that you need to end the relationship – even if it means confronting some of your own fears.

The good news is that issues of self-sabotaging can be eliminated by removing fears and false beliefs about relationships, with the help of a competent therapist who is able to access the subconscious mind and begin a healing process.

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